Desperate
by Riri-chi
Summary: A number of years passing by can make a short death happen quickly.


...

_I promise I'll come back.._

_..._

_I'll never leave you, Amu. I promise._

_..._

_Ikuto, I need you here so much... right now._

_Save me._

He left me about four years ago to go on a search throughout Europe for his father. I decided to support him along the way because I, too, was on the search for something; to find who the real me is. We were on the race to see who would win first.

...I'm waiting, Ikuto. Where are you?

I'm standing here in the pouring rain as the droplets continue to pour. Nothing has changed at all, but I wish it did. Did I even find who I am? I guess not. All I know is that I feel lost right now. It's not the same anymore.

I'm afraid.

Ikuto, I thought you promised. Didn't you say that you'd come back for me? You're my last hope to believe that something good will come out of this. Did I ever tell you what went through my mind when you left that day? No, I guess I didn't. I somehow hoped that this would turn out to be fun, that you'd come back as quickly as you could so things would go back to normal. You always waited for me but it only took me up till now to realize that. I guess I always thought you were a tease, nothing more.

It's so cold and I wanna go home. Your arms around me are my home. Did I ever tell you that? Maybe there's just a lot of things I haven't told you yet. Oh, did I ever tell you how Tadase found someone new? I was happy for him but because of that event, he hasn't really said much to me. Sometimes I stare at my phone and think about calling him up, but I know it's useless since he won't answer. He's moved on. Rima was suddenly moved to Hokkaido when her mother died two years ago. She had to go live with her dad and his new fiancee since she was still underage. I miss my best friend. I suppose you aren't the only one who breaks promises. Nagihiko left a year after you did and he's still not back. He's probably living out his dream like the others are trying to do. Yaya and Kairi are dating now, which shocks me since they're opposites but who cares? They sometimes acknowledge my presence but it's not like our elementary days. Your sister is doing good, popular as ever! I wish she was around though. Her fiancee is in college too. They wanted to rebel and show their outgoing sides. It surprises me how things are happening because everyone seems to be moving forward except me.

This rain seems to be the blanket of my life, covering and protecting me. I never knew it'd turn out this way. Ikuto, do you hear me at all? Why does it take four years just to search? I sometimes wonder if you've forgotten me and moved on like the rest did. Am I really that easy to let go of?

I grip my arm closer and close my eyes. All of this hurts, it's too much to handle!

Why don't you just go and find someone else? Just stay there, okay? I'm not that pretty like I heard some European girls are. Besides, there are some who might be your age so you don't have to worry about an immature person like me.

These tears are hard to see when they mix in with the raindrops. The grey clouds remind me of my own world, a world that was once bright but now turned to dusk. I was once happy at a point in my life. But it's over now.

Those bright lights coming near me are getting closer by the second. I wonder what you're doing at this moment. Are you practicing a song on your violin? Or maybe you're still trying your best to find your father? Ignore my words from earlier, I'm just confused and lost right now. I'm not mad at you but I really want you here by my side now. I'm all grown up, is that enough for you? I wonder why I ask all these questions to you when I know that you won't answer me.

It's coming closer and closer, but I still continue to stand here. My body feels frozen and it's like a war inside of me. Half of me is telling me to move and don't give in to the darkness but what's pulling me closer is that very darkness. I feel like nobody would need me here if I'm gone, even you, Ikuto. Why would you need a young, flat-chested girl like me? I don't even know why you started to fall in love with me when I was only 12.

Yes, that's how I feel. I'm not needed here.

Ikuto, I see the headlights now. I can feel the puddles beneath me splash and the tires rotating faster and faster. Do you have any last words for me? Will you miss me? I just wanted to say this to you: I'm sorry. I'm sorry I wasn't there when you needed me. I'm sorry I made you suffer for so long when you were tied up in Easter's hands. You always told me that we were enemies and that we needed to stay away from each other. You're right and because I don't want to see you get hurt anymore, I decided to make this choice. It's not your fault, okay? Just remember that I'm always watching you.

I can't feel that flame anymore. I feel the shards crushing me now and my body going numb. I'm sorry everyone, I bet you're all disappointed in me. Ran, Miki, Suu, and Dia, please don't forget me. I let you all down, that's why all of this happened. But I know that you guys don't need me anymore. My charas would have eventually disappeared when I got older, so what was the point? And to all of my friends, I hope you only see me as a phase. The memories were fun while they lasted.

Just forget me.

I'm not perfect.

I'm not Hinamori Amu anymore. She never existed in the first place, that's why I was so conflicted in finding who I was. I'm not a seventeen year old girl either. I'm nothing, that's what I am.

If everything was going to turn out so good, then why did my parents leave each other? It scares me that you'll do the same thing, Ikuto. I know we're not together but it still scares me. I have no right to say that though because I'm not yours. Just move on, hmph.

Here it comes...

Isn't this lovely, Ikuto? I just can't take it anymore. All this pressure and waiting is just not me. I'm not unique or amazing like the others said I was. My vision is fading away and my touch is losing its feeling, but I can still hear the sound of the rain as it continues to fall. The rain knows that the world will still rotate even if I'm not here. More importantly, I hear the sound of my heartbeat vibrating throughout me. It's faint but it's still there. And now everything is just disappearing. Remember the tea cups and how they disappeared, Ikuto? Just like them, I'm finally being destroyed.

Can you hear me, Ikuto? _I wanna go home._

_I'm finally back Amu and I can't wait to see you..._

* * *

><p><strong>hii,<strong>

**yeah, this is just a short death thingiemabob. nothing special. so um... reviews are nice or so.**

**-ri**


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